I remember the exact moment I got the message that I needed to stop asking “Why?”
The moment when I snapped out of wanting/needing/responding to understand everything in a mind sense.
At my birth star temple, during the sacred puja, I had little idea what was happening.
There were certain things I picked up just from having visited the temples along the way, so I knew what was “standard” but I had never offer scared puja before.
I had never been at my birthstar nakshatra temple before.
My heart had also never felt that way before.
The whole time, open and receptive and like it just fit.
Like all the moments mattered.
I’ve never had such a cumulative, whole feeling from inside, out.
So for about a half hour during the offering, I had tears and ash and snot running down my face.
It hit me in the moment that I had so little idea of what was happening – when I should stand or when I should sit, what ritual I was watching, why I had to say my family members’ names, what the priest was doing/saying, what were the green leaves and kinds of flowers he brought to the altar – but for the first time ever in my life, I SO didn’t care about the details.
The feeling was right.
I was home.
Chitra was my place, my little vortex of my becoming in this lifetime, and the ceremony was supposed to happen.
Just as it was.
I was called there on that day, at that time, with that priest and with Allison on purpose.
So by way of grace, the “why” and the “what” disappeared completely that day, and has created a new groove for me since.
It’s a great gift to realize, in faith, that I don’t need to ask why, or how, or what anymore.
I can navigate without having to “know” by way of intellect, and trust by way of the heart.
The part that’s tears and snot and beauty and pure devotion and love.
It is that which we can explain that just takes the mystery down a level, anyway.
And life keeps showing me I’m not here to take anything down, I’m here only to keep rising up.
The heart knows why.
And that’s all that matters.